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Forgiveness isn't as much fun as holding a Grudge




April 29th, 2011

(no subject)

"Thank you for dinner."

"Of course. Thank you for being my girlfriend."

One year. Never thought I would see this again.

September 27th, 2010

(no subject)

Fun weekend, indeed! Usually on the weekends Craig and I just lounge around and do nothing. But the weekend before this past one we sort of had a fight about the fact that all we do together anymore is drink. So we decided to do things a bit differently this past weekend.

Friday I didn't get to his house until late. I wanted to ride, which took me until 8, and then I had to go the long way around since Dodge was flooding. I had to go up Rubber Hill, through Pine Creek to G, then to the highway, through Fountain City, up 95 across the ridge to County C, which took me to his house. Usually, if the weather is fine, it takes me about 20 minutes going my normal route. Using this route, even with the weather clear, it took me an hour. So by the time I got there, and we ate, I was so tired I ended up just falling asleep while he watched a movie.

Saturday we slept until noon, and then decided to get up and do something. After breakfast (lunch), we got our bows out and started playing with them. I had never shot my bow before, so I had a blast trying it out. I bruised up my arm something wicked because the arm guard that came with the bow is super tiny and wouldn't cover the area the string was hitting. After we shot our bows for a while, Craig called Joe to see if we could use his garage to change the oil in my car. Joe said it was fine, so we headed over there. It took us a good couple of hours to change the oil and filter, check the air filter, check my tire pressure and my brakes. I learned a lot of neat stuff. I don't think I could change my oil on my own the next time, but I'm one step closer!

After messing with my car, we went for a walk in the woods. Craig wanted to bait the deer by his tree stand, so we headed out that way. It was about a half mile hike back into the woods. I really liked it back there. I climbed up in his stand while he baited, just enjoying the quiet and calm. I can see why he likes going out there. After he baited, we headed back to the car through the ditch behind his stand. I almost fell about half a dozen times, but luckily Craig was there to catch me. After we got back to the house, we took Craig's dad's truck to pick up some pallet tines for a skid steer from his aunt and uncle's house and delivered them to Joe's brother. We returned to the house, had some dinner, and grabbed my bow to take out to Joe's. We had a good time, messing around with it for a couple of hours. Joe even let me shoot his cross bow! That was super fun.

We got back to the house and took a shower, then lounged around and went to sleep early. We got up at about 11 the next day and went into town to shop for arrows. (Craig broke all but one of his the day before, and I only had the 2 that came with my bow.) Pamida in Arcadia didn't have any, so we went to Wal-Mart in Winona. On our way back, we saw Amber coming out of Konkel Valley, so we asked if Joe was up yet, and she said he had just woken up. We got our bows from Craig's and headed over that way.

Joe was just getting out of bed. He and Craig installed a different mount for shooting my arrow from, since the other one made the arrow fly goofy. We fussed around with that for a while, shooting from 10 and 20 yards, then of course the boys had to see if they could shoot the deer from 30 yards. They broke out their fancy-schmancy bows and were shooting those. Then Joe got the idea to put one of his heavy duty arrows in my little recurve bow, and the thing just LAUNCHED. He shot it about 60 yards, all the way across the street! So we started shooting the heavy arrows with my bow, and we were just having a good ol' time.

We had our fun and decided to go back into the valley to see what damage was done to Joe's hunting area and deer blind. Joe was in his power wheelchair, so Craig and I took his other one. We got about a quarter of the way out and ours died. But luckily our legs actually work so we were able to walk the rest of the way. Joe almost got stuck in one area, but otherwise his blind was still there, and the water hole he's using for hunting was in pretty good shape. On the way back, we rescued the other chair, BSed with Kurth and Rachel for a bit, got our bows, and left.

The rest of the night was spent lounging around. Craig twisted the wrong way in bed and popped his broken ribs out of place, which had me in tears because I thought it was my fault. I mean, he was groaning in pain, crying, and could barely breathe. He had to pop them back into place by pushing his ribs against the door jamb, which was horrible to watch. It was awful. I felt terrible. I had to wrap his ribs as best I could so he could actually get some sleep, but neither of us slept very well.

This week is going to drag. I am so tired, all I want to do is sleep.

September 23rd, 2010

(no subject)

poramentatoes loves you to death
Craig wore girl pants the other day! Let me take a moment and laugh hysterically at that......... HAHAHAHA. Okay, that's enough. See, over the summer his mother went to a lot of rummage sales and would get any pair of jeans sized 34. So Craig has this huge pile of jeans on top of his dresser that he has YET to sort through. Anyway, I guess the other day he went with Joe to get the bear Joe shot and to go shopping, and he put on a pair of the jeans his mother bought for him. He told me on the phone the pants fit him funny in the crotch and he didn't like them. When I got to his house, he showed up a few minutes later and called me downstairs (I was upstairs cleaning, haha), I looked at his pants and thought "Wow, those are weird-looking pants..." And it turns out he wore girl pants all Tuesday. HAHAHA. Yes, his ass looked good in them, but his junk did not.

Today has been kind of a clusterfuck. Last night I brought the horses in early due to expected thunder storms. As I was getting Sax (the last of the far-away horses), I heard thunder and saw lightning strike on the horizon. I managed to get everyone in before the rain, which was good. I taped Susan riding Julia, then came inside and took a shower in preparation of going to Craig's. I could hear the thunder while I was in there, and saw, upon getting out, it POURING outside. I called Craig to see what the weather was like there, and he said it was just drizzling. So I decided to go over.

Well it rained ALL last night. We got 4.5 inches of it. Chey got Craig in the middle of the night because there was 8 inches of water in their basement. I woke up at 5:45 but decided to wait until it was a bit lighter out to go home, since I didn't know what the roads were going to be like and I didn't want to be driving in the pitch black and not see the road washed away or something.

Rick was already home and he said Gold'n Plump sent them home early due to the rain and flooding. I guess the Independence Dam broke, so all of downtown Arcadia was under water! He told me to be careful. County C was fine, even at the bridge where it flooded a few months ago. I crossed the highway and went down River Road, but once I tried to go across the river bottom, I couldn't even get 100 yards down the road, it was flooded so bad. So I had to turn around and go Doelle Valley to Barth to County P. There were about 4 mudslides, which I could get around, but if they had been worse I couldn't have gotten home since the only other close way to get to Dodge would have been through town and that was closed and in a state of emergency!

I got home around 7 and Laura had decided to not go to work (good plan). I went out and turned out Julia and Jasmine, and just as I was getting RC to her paddock it just started to POUR. So I turned around and she and I RAN back to the barn. Eventually the rain calmed down so I turned out everyone except Junior, RC, Zoey, Copper, Duke, and Scooby. (Zoey's feet need to stay as dry as possible due to a thrush infestation in her hooves, and the latter three's paddocks are under a foot of water! Junior also stayed in because Ben and Sax are in his paddock today.)

I got all the chores done by noon and came in the house, showered, vacuumed, and swept. I read for a little bit and am attempting to write but I am very tired. The vet is coming today to look at Junior's teeth, Julia's sarcoid, and do a purchase check on Tilly. Being home with Laura is kind of awkward, but whatever, I'm getting over it.

September 20th, 2010

(no subject)

Ever since coming to Wisconsin, I've been exposed to a lot of cultural differences. The most recent has been the opening of bow hunting season this past weekend. When I first started dating Craig, he told me that he liked to hunt and around fall, more specifically gun season, he'd probably disappear for a while. It's definitely not something I am used to, as most people in NY do not hunt, and those who do don't brag about it nearly as much as those here in Wisconsin. I remember talking to Joe one day as he was cleaning a .22: "I'm not used to having so many guns around. People in NY don't have guns." (I said this as I looked pointedly at his rather large glass gun case of pistols.) He replied with, "It's not that they don't have guns, it's just people in NY don't brag about them the way we do."

In any case, Craig started shooting his bow a few weeks ago, going to Joe's to practice and sight it in. Opening day for bow was Saturday, and while Craig didn't go out, Joe did in the afternoon. Craig and I had gotten back from a birthday party for his friend's 1 year-old son, and we were both exhausted. We had just begun to fall asleep when Joe called, saying he had shot a doe and wanted Craig to track it down and drag it out of the woods for him. (Joe is in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the chest down due to a car accident about 15 years ago. He still hunts, but he can't go wandering around in the woods looking for a deer he shot, which is why he calls Craig to help him.)

Craig went out, tracked it down, gutted it, and drug it back to the house for Joe. It's just another very strange culture shock for me, simply because I didn't know many people in NY who went hunting. My uncle used to hunt, but that was a long time ago. Craig is trying to get me into it, and wanted to get me a small game license, but I don't think I'd be able to shoot a live creature. I've shot a .22 a few times, at soda cans and a burn barrel, which was kind of fun. But mostly I want to shoot bow. I shot archery in gym class in high school, which I REALLY enjoyed, and I always wanted to go to an archery range but never got around to it. I tried to shoot Craig's compound bow, but the draw was way too heavy (80 pounds!) and too long for me.

Anyway, Sunday Craig was going to go out in the morning to hunt and he ended up not feeling like it. We kind of fought off and on throughout the day, mostly, I think, because we had spent so much time together and we were getting on each other's nerves. He was fed up and decided to go hunting in the afternoon. I wanted him to go hunting, because it's something he enjoys doing and hadn't yet been able to go. But at the same time I didn't want him to, since I know I'd feel like a loser, waiting at home for him like the good little wife. It made me feel like crap, and I was throwing a hissy fit about it. I was so mad at myself for doing so, because 1) I WANTED him to go, and 2) I was only doing it so he would stay with me, which wouldn't make either of us happy. So I just told him to go, and he did, even though we both knew I'd feel like crap.

So I sat on the bed and cried and felt pathetic. Then I decided to stop being pathetic and texted Dani asking her what she was doing. She said she was going out to ride, and that I should come. So I got dressed and went out to the barn. She rode Ben and then I ended up riding Scooby while Scott rode Sax. It was a ton of fun. Scooby was lame, so I did a lot of walking and bending and trying to get him to come down on the bit (which he ended up completely ignoring me and just zoning out so that didn't work). But Scott got to canter Sax! And Scott said all my hard work on Sax paid off, and that he was feeling really good to Scott, which is a TREMENDOUS compliment from Scott.

After I rode, I showered and went back out to Craig's. It was after dark, so I figured Craig would be done hunting - you can't shoot after 6. But he wasn't home. So I sent him a naughty sext and went inside. He called the house and said he had come back into the valley and had seen my car wasn't parked at his house so he went to Joe's, because Joe had shot ANOTHER deer (which Craig couldn't find), but he was on his way back. I cleaned his room (I have been on this weird cleaning spree ever since my visit to NY, it's awesome) and waited. When he got home, he cooked some venison (which I really liked) and took a shower, and then we sat around and enjoyed each other's company.

Overall, the weekend was pretty good. I just think I needed the break from Craig and to (finally) ride. It's definitely different, now that Craig is hunting and helping out Joe. I'll have to get used to it, though bow hunting season is six months long. It's the 9-day gun season that'll really get to me, but I'll deal. It's what he really likes to do, and I will support him because of that.

June 1st, 2010

(no subject)

Craig and I went fishing on the river today. The middle of the day wasn't the greatest for it, but I just liked sitting there shooting the shit and telling him my stupid stories. I ended up catching a 8ish inch redhorse (carp) right before we left. It was the first Wisconsin fish I've landed. I've had bites and hooked fish, but most times they've fallen off before I could land them. In the case of catfish, that's good because no one wants to deal with the barbs. There will be more fishing in my future, I am sure.

May 31st, 2010

(no subject)

Broiler Days weekend: started out fun, then not so much fun, then REALLY fun. Let's recap... Friday night Scott wanted to go down to the river to have some beer, and a fire at the campsite. Craig and I went down before he got home so we could get some fishing done. (Yes, I fish now, and it is awesome.) After Craig baited my hook and cast it for me (why do it yourself when your boyfriend is willing to do it for you?) he said, "You're probably not going to catch anything. River fishing takes skill." Two seconds later I felt the tap tap tap on my line and hooked a fish. Didn't land it, but Craig said he saw the swirl in the water. Take that, Mr. Doubtful!

I ended up not landing a single fish on my own pole, but got 3 bites: the first little one, a smallish carp, and a big motherfucker that broke my 25 pound test line (never saw what it was). While Craig was re-baiting my hook, I was hold onto his pole and hooked a small catfish. Didn't land that one either, but because it was a catfish it was for the better. Craig ended up landing a 3-4lb catfish and some other fish - I want to call it a sheephead, but I think that is wrong.

While we were down there we had about 3 beer each. I was tipsy but Craig was fine. He had the Jimmy because his truck's power steering tube had a leak and he didn't have time to fix it before he came to see me. The Jimmy's exhaust is super loud, another thing Craig hasn't had time to fix. (He's very mechanically inclined, which is bad because he does a lot of work for other people basically for free.)

We decided to go into town and have a drink at the bar, mostly to see who was around. Of course, everyone started buying us drinks so we were stuck in there until midnight. I was pretty much FUBAR, Craig only had five at the bar so he was fine. I found out the rest of the details over the next few days, since when they were happening I wasn't quite in the right mind to process it.

When we left the bar, a cop tailed us all the to almost out of town, then pulled us over for a "loud exhaust". He asked what we were doing and where we were going. He saw the empties in the back (4 cans and 3 bottles) and we explained we had been fishing and didn't want to leave them by the river. Then he had Craig get out of the car. Craig aced the field sobriety tests, and the cop said he would let him go but had to give him a breathalyzer because they were on camera. Craig blew a 0.13. Once I heard the beeping I knew he was going to jail.

They had me get out of the car and they brought him over in the cuffs to say goodbye, which was nice, but that's when I lost it and started crying. I had to call Scott to come get me. The cops promised Craig they would wait with me until Scott got there, but the fuckers left me drunk, by the side of the road, on Broiler Day weekend, at one in the morning. Yeah, nice.

So Scott got me and took me back to the farm. I got up at 7:30 the next morning and went back into town. Once I got service I found out Craig had gotten home at 4. I went to his house and went upstairs and just kissed him and gave him huge hugs. It wasn't his first time being arrested - he got an underage drinking ticket when he was 16, and also did some jail time for breaking and entering and stealing from a house. That doesn't bother me, since that was 9 years ago. People change.

It's just tough to have to call your parents who live 1000+ miles away and tell them the boyfriend they've NEVER MET is going to jail for a DUI. What a great impression. I was drunk when I called and kept telling my mom, "He's not a bad person, he really isn't, I don't want you to think that!" Tough since all my other boyfriends have been goodie-two-shoes and here's Craig, the jailbird. Jeez.

Craig ended up with a $800 fine and his license is revoked. Right now he's on unemployment because Ashley laid him off last fall for no reason (basically because he was making $20 an hour and they wanted to save the money) so he's milking the government for whatever he can. Now he's going to need a job, though.

The rest of the weekend was good. Went to the races in LAX Saturday night with Craig, Dani, Laura, and Scott. Sunday was spent drinking, watching the parade, and accidentally becoming part of it. Craig bailed at Katie's, and I tried to jump off the float but I had a hard time getting ON the float when it was sitting still. I don't think jumping off when it was going 10mph would've been the safest, so I just stayed on and drank. Kurt came and got us, since two DUIs in one weekend wasn't worth it. We got home around 6 and was sleeping by 9.

Overall it was a decent weekend. I still sort of feel like the DUI was my fault, possibly because Craig isn't making a big deal out of it, so it's like he's mad at me but not telling me. He's reassured me several times it wasn't my fault, that he was the one who wanted to go to town and the Jimmy's exhaust wasn't fixed because of him. But there's still that lingering feeling of being to blame.

That's what makes me happy about Craig: he tells me exactly how it is. No sugarcoating, so bullshit, just straight up truth. He's uncomplicated and simple. Which isn't to say he's stupid or slow, he's so so smart (he knew that tomatoes are a FRUIT! blew my mind), but he doesn't hide his feelings or hides who he is. He puts it out there and if you don't like it, go find some other place or someone else to spend your time with.

Both Reed and Jeni say that the way he acts around me, they've never seen him be that way around a girl before. Before me, his last relationship was 3 years ago, and it was based solely around sex. Craig says that yeah, the sex with me is great, but it's also nice to have someone to just TALK to.

Ahh, I could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about him. I adore him, more than words can say. He surprises me every day. I think it's because the impression I got from him (rough n tough hillbilly Wisconsinite) is not at all who he is (a sweetie with a heart of gold). He's not like NY boys, and I'm nothing like WI girls, and that's why we get along.

May 10th, 2010

(no subject)

"I love you."

Everything grew still. I rolled over to face him in the dark.


I smiled. "Don't apologize! I've kind of been wanting to say the same thing but it feels too soon."

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me onto his chest. "Same with me. I keep wanting to say it, though."

"Maybe we could say something else, like: I like you. That way we can still express our feelings without making it awkward."

He squeezed me and kissed the top of my head. "I like you."

"I like you, too."

May 2nd, 2010

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel I should be more homesick than I am. I am homesick, some of the time, when someone back in NY has a party or my family is getting together. But Wisconsin is pretty much amazing. I don't want to stay in this job past this summer, but for now it works. I don't know what to do after August. If I leave the job, I can't live with them, but I don't know where to go. I don't want to go back to NY, I feel at home here. I sort of want to go back to school, but I don't know what for. Maybe my book will sell millions and I won't have to work again.

I'm picking up on the Midwest accent. When I draw out my "o"s, I roll my eyes at myself, but I can't help it. I've started saying "pop" instead of soda. I used to have to make a conscious effort to say "pop" when I made fun of someone, but now I have to think to say "soda".

I have a boyfriend, we've been dating for over a month, but it's only been official for a week or so. He's completely different from east coast boys. He's simple, uncomplicated, there aren't any games with him. He amazes me in so many ways. He thinks I'm weird, an oddball, not like other girls he's dated. I'm fairly stubborn, I don't take his shit, and he used to say things just to get a reaction but I'd hand it right back.

I fell off a pony a few weeks ago, going over a jump. It was entirely my fault, not his. Hurt my back, it still hurts every once in a while now. I think I should go to a chiropractor. I need a massage, too. Craig's uncle's girlfriend is a licensed masseuse, and she'll give me a discount.

(By the way, the world is very small. Kat came out to the barn with her daughter about a week before I met Craig and Cory. Then I found out she was Cory's girlfriend. So weird.)

I've gotten two pedicures. How much of a girl I'm turning into is freaking me out.

February 4th, 2010


I'm writing! I'm writing I'm writing I'm writing. It's amazing, I can't stop. I have about 150 hand-written pages and ~20 typed pages. I've finally figured out a system that works really well for me. When I would just use the computer, I would feel daunted by all the white space. By using a notebook, I feel accomplished, like I am getting somewhere by filling it up. And I don't have to worry if it isn't coming out like I want because I know I'm going to type it up and can change it around as much as I like then.

My great grand dream that I know will never happen is to write this book, publish it, make a bajillion dollars, and be able to live by doing nothing but writing and owning a bunch of horses and riding. If only it could come true.

January 27th, 2010

(no subject)

So after a few beers and an extremely scary movie which had four grown women screaming and crying and rolling around on the ground, Dani and I named my fish Goomba. I also lost every pong game I played the next night, falling over Mikey Bags while racing him for the ball for a roll-back and drank far too much and puked my brains out. The weather was nice, but now it's gotten cold again and I'm looking into plane tickets back to NY for a visit.
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